Confessionals, personals, digital diary entrys

Whatever you may call them, that's what these entries are. A collection of my thoughts and feelings written out for all the web to read. Warning for general life stuff, bad writing and everything else

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Blood is thicker than water, yet feels the same

CW: blood, selfharm

December 11th 2024

I used to love the feeling of water running down my body. The way the dropplets rolled down my legs and arms leaving me with a tingling feeling was oh so nice. I used to be able to sit in the shower and watch them for hours. Now it feels like blood, warm blood dripping out from under my flesh, dripping from my upper arms, chest and thighs. If I close my eyes I start to panic, the recent memories come back. I glide my fingers over the days old scaars on my neck, their raised surface corse. A small jolt of pain radiates as I do so. It's comforting, the way my soft fingers feel against the still tender flesh. I always regret it yet I keep coming back for more. It's funny really, the way I yearn and ache for it in the moment, yet meer hours after I regret it so much that it pushes me to want to do it again, to drown it all out. I open my eyes, my mind fresh with the memory of watching blood roll down my upper body. I trace my hand across my left shoulder and down my upper arm, feeling the thin bumps along the skin. The scars had healed over when I stopped last time, yet the white marks stayed, a constant reminder. I don't want this. I stare at the barely visible marking on my thighs, the incredibly light scars that my mother saw and treated my like a sick puppy for, patronised me in every way yet refused to help in any meaningful way. I look down at my chest, fresh yet older than the ones on the back of my neck. God how I hate that part of me, I hate it more than the cowardly part that tells me to make shallow cuts. If I wasn't such a pussy I would've cut it off, correct nature's mistake so to speak. I wish I could be free. I wish this wasn't the only way I could find some kind of peace in this world. I stand up, turn the water off and grab a towel. They won't hurt tomorrow. They'll fade by christmas and I won't have to hide my neck anymore.